Next
by Immi
Summary: Catherine can't understand a decision Sara made. CathSara angst.


Disclaimer: I do not own CSI.

AN: In my defense, I started thinking about this a week ago.

* * *

We never talked about it. Still, I thought she would choose me. I'm her wife. We've shared the happiest five years of our lives with one another. That's what we told each other, at least. Thinking about what I just found out, I can't help but think it was all just a lie. It hurts that I can't dismiss that fear as irrational. An hour ago, I would have been able to. 

I feel Lindsey snuggling against me in her sleep. All of that crying completely exhausted our daughter.

**Our** daughter. I never thought I'd be able to say that. Eddie might have been her father and, at one time, my husband, but I never called Lindsey ours then. She was always _my_ daughter. His death served as a reminder that she was his daughter, too, but she was still never _ours_.

When Sara and I got together, I was finally able to give my little girl the family she deserved. Two parents that loved each other and her unconditionally. It was wonderful- a dream come true. The three of us were happier than I ever thought possible.

At least, I thought we were. Now I'm not so sure.

I'm not her next of kin.

Grissom is.

And that hurts almost as much as the thought of her never waking up. I just thought that… I'm her wife. Just because we never talked about it… what do people say about assuming? God… I love her so much. And yet, instead of wondering what I'm going to say to her before Grissom pulls the plug, I'm wondering why he's the one doing it. It's completely selfish of me, but I can't help it.

I can't help but wonder if everything we ever had was a lie. It's completely ridiculous, and some part of me has to know that. There could be any number of reasons why Gil's listed her next of kin, and not me. She could've forgotten to change it when we got married; she could've…

I hate to admit it, but I'm still jealous of the few lukewarm moments she and Grissom had when she first started working at the lab. Grissom was never willing to cross the line, but I know he thought about it. Sara reassured me countless times that it meant next to nothing, especially now that she had me. I always believed her. Always. Because my insecurities always sprouted up because of something he did.

But this is something Sara did. She listed him as her next of kin, and I have no idea what that means. All I know is that it hurts, and she won't be around to explain why she didn't choose me.

It hurts so badly… If Grissom wanted to, he could tell Lindsey and I to stay out of the room when they pull the plug. He would have every right to do so. He isn't going to, but Sara gave him that power when she listed him.

Why did she do that?

An hour later, Lindsey and I walk into her room with tears running down our faces. Gil is already there, looking completely lost. I let Lindsey walk in first. I still don't know what to say to her. It isn't like she'll hear it, but I still want to make sure I say whatever it is right.

I hear our daughter tell Sara that she will always love her, and that she will always think of her as a second mother. More tears spill down my face when I hear that. It's one thing to know it, quite another to hear it.

Lindsey steps back, and I take that as my cue to move forward. She looks so weak. I never thought I would see my Sara looking this powerless. I run my hand through her hair and sob when she doesn't bring up her own to capture my wrist and bring it to her lips.

I think about telling her my fears. Telling her how I'm starting to doubt our love because she chose Grissom as her next of kin. But I can't. The words won't come out. So I lean forward and kiss her. Her lips are colder than they should be, but that doesn't matter. It's still Sara. I whisper 'I love you' before I pull back completely. I needed to say it. It's the only thing I'm really sure of at the moment.

I straighten back up and close my eyes when they start to turn the machine off. I keep them closed until silence fills the room. I open them again, and I know Sara's gone. I need to touch her one last time, though.

I reach out and brush some hair away from her neck. The lack of a pulse startles me, and I start to cry. Lindsey holds on to me and waits for my sobs to end. But I don't think they ever will.

I spent the last hour of Sara's life fearing that she didn't love me. But looking at her now… I know she did. She knew me, and knew how much I loved her. Sara knew that she and Lindsey were the most important things in my life. She knew that and… and…

She didn't want me to have to kill her.

Because she knew I wouldn't be able to.


End file.
